Time to pivot!
Last October was the closing out of all treatments and medicine—the last chemo dose, the last of the buzzy steroids, the last procedure, the last bone marrow biopsy. The good news was that I had the “all clear” on every front and have since proceeded to move forward, jumping into everything I’ve missed and couldn’t wait to do once I had the energy and strength. Overbooking myself? Yeah, but it’s entirely worth it.
The physical recovery has definitely been under way. I got a new bike and started riding again, feeling my balance and the shift of muscles come back to life, changing the way I walk, stand, move. Balancing this with good long walks and using my indoor rower, everything is finally waking up.
I also signed up for an opportunity I’ve wanted to do for years and completed the URI Master Gardener program this winter (2023). A series of 16 weeks of classes that guide you through the science-based understanding of the plant world. The program teaches you about the resources and methods to analyze, diagnose, and plan any garden or environmental space. “The right plant for the right place” is the motto they follow. It jumpstarted my spring and summer in a wild new way!
The other areas receiving attention are both my writing and creative pursuits. The writing is a commitment to myself more than anything, with the goal of producing a “workbook” to help others — women primarily. The aftermath of cancer treatments (mental and physical), the side effects from drugs or radiation, the way your body changes, the way your life changes, how you spend your time and what becomes important are all relatable to many of us. There is a mind-boggling amount of information out there, not all of it good, so I’ve elected to combine what I learned with what I experienced and share it to help others. No exact timeline is set for my completion, but it’s the new work I’ve assigned myself. It feels good to have a focus again.
My creative endeavors are delightful! I’ve finally found a way to mix the beautiful papers I’ve collected for years into new formats, collages, pastiche and then share the results with others. Design workshops and paint sessions with friends have spurred on ideas and taught me some interesting ways of mixing materials, paint, and patterns. I’m building a collection of these at this point and will try to sell some at the holidays. There is always a portion of my creativity that is shared with the visitors at the cancer center and I combine that with encouraging messages. At the center of all this output is a feeling of hope and light and gratitude.
I originally thought of writing this as a “what next” message, but I find instead that this is actually the point of pivoting. There is less sadness over what I never finished in work and how that defined me. It no longer matters. There is less of a sense of loss and confusion that came from being thundered down and wondering why. There are many bright days and wonderful experiences happening now. Positive moments when I feel encouraged and strong, ambitious while also balanced. As I rode my bike recently through a long stretch of wildflowers full of butterflies and finches, past the waterfront and up a tenacious hill, I realized I was going to be alright. I was ok, I was strong. All of this was what I had fought hard for and it was good. Really good.
